The year is coming to a close. For me it has been a year of changes. The intangible things I valued the most are lost. The "things" I own just sit and collect dust. Social networking has evolved into anti-social networking for me. People are on a different wavelength to me as they latch onto the newest and latest technologies. I find myself wanting no part of it. 2014 will be a year of starting over, but I find myself less motivated than ever.
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Typically I try to have an end of the year recap about comics that I run in December. Since I don't really have the members to support that anymore, last year I just made 1 thread and said the few things that struck me. This year I couldn't think of anything noteworthy worth discussing so I just skipped it. That and my access to posting sucks.
2013 was only slightly better than the worst year of my life which was 2012 but only slightly. All in all 2013 sucked by its own merit and if 2012 wasn't so bad, 2013 would have been the worst year of my life. Back to back made for the darkest hours of my life where I had to face a lot of scary realities and try and find a way to live through it. At times I was never more depressed in my whole life and could honestly say I thought about suicide a time or two but I know I'm never going to do anything like that. I always believe better things lie ahead and you just have to persevere until the better days come but I can say I understand now how some people come to that conclusion with their life.
2012 rocked me so hard that I was literally realing into 2013. I was taken down by a coworker I worked next to everyday and thought I had treated her like no other coworker. I'm typically a great judge of character and my first impressions are generally spot on. What disturbed me the most is she fooled me completely and then successfully sprang a plot to eliminate me for her own personal gain. At the same time my marriage was toast and in a matter of a couple of weeks I had lost my job and my wife and I woke up the next day and realized I was fucked going forward. I went around looking for answers and solutions and grasping for anything I could hold onto. As the months went by I took another job I absolutely couldn't stand and I got with my current girlfriend but to me it was just casual as I just didn't know how to handle things facing $1400 a month mortgage payments and living each day feeling dread and like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. What made it worse is I live in a desolate location away from any friends and in an area of economically depressed standards in terms of job seeking. It felt like it couldn't get any worse and then my casual girlfriend informs me she is pregnant and this just made everything feel that much worse. After the intial shock wore off I basically broke myself off from her acting bad and just not knowing how I'm going to deal with things. I was basically a lost soul at this point. On December 4, 2012 I went to work and worked 2 hours and felt like I couldn't breath anymore. Without saying a word, I packed my things up, clocked out and drove myself home never to be back. I just couldn't do that job as much as I needed it. I couldn't do it. I left 2012 cursing it with my first clenched hard on its final days saying fuck you 2012, I survived you.
2013 was just trying to make something out of nothing and get my sanity back. I began selling comics on ebay and initially I made great money but I couldn't keep it up. I didn't have the inventory to constantly make good money enough to sustain myself any longer and just went through 2013 learning to live each day with less than I had the day before. Although I applied for many jobs, I did not hold a real job for 1 day in 2013. I learned all you really need to survive on nothing is water, electricity and food. Throughout the year I would have each turned off more than once and at times wonder how I was going to eat. Still small miracles kept happening and I kept surviving. Everytime something got turned off i would use another asset and have it back on by sundown. The foreclosure process takes awhile to take place so if you keep with the electric, water and food, you can keep going. I prayed for some kind of miracle. In the meantime I just kept selling comics. I sold about 1,000 and I'd estimate I made about $8,000. Enough to float but not enough to recover. In February I decided I didn't want to be out of my child's life and I rekindled my relationship with my girlfriend. This was a smart move in so many ways. On April 8th she gave birth to an absolutely beautiful daughter and at the age of 46 I became a first time dad. I had been a stepdad but nothing compares to a child of your own. In all honesty she was something I was deeply missing from my life. I love her to death.
My girlfriend and my relationship started with reluctance on both of our parts and we weren't all in with each other by any means. She still held her own place and I kept trying for miracles with mine but we continued to bond more and more each day and I end this year finding myself very much in love with her. I'm fairly certain we will marry at some point in 2014.
Meanwhile the foreclosure process was closing in and after losing every luxury I used to take for granted I finally decided in October to give up the ghost. I stopped selling comics and made plans to move out of my house. Even though I was never officially evicted, it was only a Matter of time. With our relationship stronger than ever I moved in with my girlfriend around Thanksgiving and spent the remainder of this year moving stuff in and fixing the house to a living condition.
Losing th house was devastating to me but I had all year to learn to accept my fate. Besides not having a job the worst thing was not having friends to hang out with and shoot the shit. I made efforts in many areas on that front and I had a few good times but I've also seen first hand that most people want to keep their distance when they know you're in bad shape. I think most people either don't know what to do or say or they don't want any bad luck rubbing off on them. Whatever moments I had I just enjoyed what I could and dealt with the negatives the best I could.
I leave 2013 feeling thankful and optimistic about my future. Ive publicly vowed to make 2014 a positive one with getting a job priority #1 by tripling my efforts. For a long time I feel like my soul has been completely dead and I felt so empty at times I couldn't see or motivate myself to do more than I did. In reality I did a lot and put out thousands of fires but I also needed to learn how to appreciate the good things in my life and refocus my attitude. I'm going to give 2014 everything I've got but I know I can survive the worst experiences and account and utilize every last resource I have. I have been tested by something I never want to experience again. Perhaps it was karma for bad things I have done. Perhaps it was a lesson from God himself. All I know is I survived the darkest days of my life and I go forward with an appreciation for any blessing in my life and I move forward with a determination to rebuild my life and earn back everything I worked all my life for and lost.